How to Interrupt Old Habits and Create New Ones

Why we do what we do is a complicated question that many of us spend our lives trying to figure out. Today let’s talk about one aspect of why we continue habits and what we can do immediately to start making new ones. 

First, let’s talk about how our current habits are created.

How many of you were rewarded with a toy for good grades? Maybe you were offered food when you were sad or had a bad day? Those early experiences create a neurological pathway that connects the stimulus to the reaction. Every time we feel this stimulus, that pathway lights up and our brain gives us the appropriate action (reaction). If the pathway is practiced enough, we no longer have to spend time or energy to acknowledge the stimulus (stress, anger, hard day, etc.), we just get prompted to the reaction (i.e. craving). For example, as a kid your mom gave you ice cream every time you had a bad day at school. Then at 40 years old, you have a stressful day and suddenly have an unbearable craving for ice cream. If you’re not aware of that connection, disconnected from your feeling of the stress, you might conclude you have weak will power when you find yourself stopping by the grocery store on your way home from work. Your neural connection is so strong, you no longer have to even acknowledge the stress. Your brain goes right to the solution. 

Much of the work we do with behavior change, whether it be improving your self-talk or starting an exercise routine, requires us to create a pause point between stimulus and reaction. It is within that space that we can make a different choice. When we lack space between stimulus and reaction it feels like we have no control. We don’t understand why we keep repeating the same behavior. 

Where do we start?

Start journaling

Whether it’s pen and paper, recording out loud, or on your phone or laptop (I’ve been known to write out some feelings on the back of some scratch paper), getting in the habit of free writing/speaking about your experiences and feelings. When left in our own mind, our thoughts remain circular and processed through our own filters. This is why we sometimes realize the solution instantly once we voice the problem to someone else. Writing or talking out our experiences and feelings forces us to put it in a more linear context; allowing us to see it from an outside perspective. Journaling is also a place where we allow our thoughts and feelings to be noticed. This is what starts the process of getting to know ourselves and why we behave the way we do. This is for your eyes only. This process is about unraveling the giant ball of knotted yarn that is your thoughts.

• It doesn’t have to be spelled correctly, have decent grammar, or even be socially correct. 
• Don’t worry about saying things you don’t mean because you might be processing anger. This is the perfect place for that! 
• Ignore the “should” voice and focus on what you FEEL. The should voice loves to rear it’s head and tell you X isn’t logical, you shouldn’t feel like Y, or you shouldn’t say things like X. This is about processing, not writing something factually accurate that would hold up in a court of law. Processing is usually messy and ugly and that’s ok! This also starts watering your self acceptance garden.
• Write as little or as long as you want.
• Journaling is a skill. You’ll get better at it over time.
• Recognizing and acknowledging your feelings is also a skill. Some of us have it and others don’t. This process will help you learn to identify the way you feel about situations in your life.
• What you write can be nonsense. Just start writing. Sometimes the way I start is, “I don’t know what to write. I’m sitting here writing this but feeling blank. Today I woke up, had a cup of coffee, took the dogs for a walk….” Sometimes it ends there. Sometimes that leads to 4 pages of processing something that happened when I was six.
• Keep your journals or shred them. Re-read them or let it all go.

Start a meditation or breathing practice

Meditation, mindfulness, deep breathing, or prayer are all about being in the present with yourself. We spend a lot of time running away from ourselves: eating, drinking, social media, tv, movies, video games, alcohol, drugs, gambling, etc. When we are uncomfortable in our own mind, we will run! And since we can’t leave ourselves, we find ways to numb or distract ourselves. A little bit of distraction or numbing can be a good thing. This life can be intense and sometimes we need a break from processing it all. The problem comes when all we’re doing is escaping. Easing into a meditation or breathing practice is a great way of teaching you how to be with yourself and to separate your thoughts from your identity. Thoughts and feelings come and go, we can choose if we’re going to follow them.

• Start small. Five deep breaths once a day is a good way to ease in.
• Find something to focus on like a number, a word, your breath, a visualization, a feeling in your body and then practice coming back to it. Your mind WILL wander. The point of this exercise is to notice the wandering and bring your attention back.
• The goal is not to clear your mind. The goal is to practice focusing, wandering, noticing, returning to your focus.
• This is a skill. If you’ve never done it before, you might feel like you just cannot concentrate. That just means this will help you that much more and you probably need to be doing it. For 5 breaths, if you can bring your attention back to the breath 5 times, you’re strengthening your concentration. 
• Increase the time as you feel comfortable. 
• You don’t have to do it alone. There are so many guided meditation apps and videos to help you. Including the ones we have available on our social media and YouTube.

This leads us to the last, and maybe most important, aspect of creating space for behavior change:

Radical self acceptance 

Take a moment and think about a time when you were being blamed or shamed for something you did. Did that lead you to change or did that lead you to numb and distract? Humans love to tell the tale of feeling shame that spawns change, but I think we all know that’s not what happens in the long run. Criticism and shame might temporarily get you moving but typically it is not moving you towards happiness, it is moving you towards behaviors that take you away from the shame. It’s acceptance and lack of judgment that allows space and room for growth. 

Start identifying your Critic Voice and Your Observer voice.

Your critic voice sounds like:

“You stayed up too late, now you’ve missed your workout this morning and you’ll never better your health”

“How could you have eaten all that?”

“You look awful today!”

“Where did those wrinkles come from?”

“I feel like crap. I shouldn’t feel like crap, that’s only going to make things worse today”

“Stop feeling sorry for yourself and just stop overeating”

Your Observer voice sounds like:

“Hm, why did you stay up so late last night? What was the benefit and what was the cost?”

“Isn’t that interesting you’re criticizing the way you look today. Why is that coming up?”

“Oh, I’m noticing I have wrinkles”

“I feel like crap. Why is that? What might lift my spirits or make me feel better?”

“What’s wrong? I noticed I’ve been wanting to eat more lately. Why is that? Am I hungry? What am I looking for from the food I’m eating?”

Which one dominates your thoughts?

If you said critic, then you’re a 100% normal human. However, we want to strengthen that observer voice. If the key to creating space between our stimulus and reaction is observation, we need to make it an ultra safe place to be. Criticism shuts us down, puts our defenses up, and often drives us to distract, numb, or comfort. Observing and being curious, allows us to look around and spend more time there. It is in that safe space that we can breathe and make new choices for ourselves. When we feel safe, we are brave enough to walk down uncharted paths. 

Start observing your thoughts. Learn to recognize when the critic’s voice pops up. What does it sound like? Who does it sound like? Is there a common theme? 

Allow your observer to take over, “Oh, isn’t that interesting I’m criticizing myself today” 

This not only stops the critic in its tracks, it shifts you into watching your thoughts instead of playing into them. And lastly, whatever you do, don’t criticize yourself for criticizing yourself! 

Be kind and be curious with yourself.